While you may genuinely want to repair your relationships, it’s a good idea to focus on your sobriety first. For example, some people may require medically supervised detox as a first step, followed by residential alcohol treatment. Sometimes an indirect or living amends is the best you can do. Of course, if you can make direct amends you should do so; this is why having a sponsor or advisor to help give you direction is so important.
- This specificity strengthens the impact of your amends letter and shows that you have thoroughly reflected on your actions.
- People who need addiction treatment come from all backgrounds.
- You have to be honest with yourself about whether you have a valid reason to opt out of direct amends.
Step 1 – What it Means to Admit Powerlessness
Regardless Sober living home if they can or can’t apologize directly, they choose to walk the walk and make better choices. This way, they live the sort of life that doesn’t create the need for more amends later. Talk with your sponsor or others in your recovery community about what has worked for them. If your actions match your intentions and you reach out in person, you are doing the next right thing to right past wrongs. And remember, if you are feeling ashamed about mistakes made and damage done during your using days, you are not your disease. Remember, this is a Twelve Step process that can provide a platform for healing, but the person we are reaching out to may not be at the same place in healing as we are.
Steppers
- Ask if there are any past wrongs you have forgotten to “own.”5.
- But to rectify this damage, we can’t maintain the same “me first” attitude that many of the other steps require.
- To prepare for this step it’s a good idea to let go of all our expectations about how our amends will or should turn out.
- While doing our amends and experiencing being forgiven, we begin to see the value in extending it to others.
- Healing and building a healthy support system is a critical part of the recovery process.
In the throes of our addiction, we may have committed a litany of moral and ethically indefensible actions. We have stolen, cheated, lied, betrayed, assaulted, or abused others. By the time we reach this step, we should be able to identify, recognize, and take responsibility for these actions. More often than not, step nine will be painful, but also equally freeing.
Amends Are Not Apologies—They’re Expressions of Accountability
Apologies can only go so far in repairing past pain, but it’s a place where you need to begin to heal. Make a list of everyone you’ve made promises to that you didn’t fulfill, the people you’ve lied to, stolen from, or hurt in any way because of who you used to be, and apologize sincerely. Making living amends can take on many different forms depending on the relationship to those affected by the wrongdoing. In most cases, the offender owes apologies to the people closest to them, like their friends, parents, and children. Another example is a substance or alcohol-addicted adult child who regularly steals money, jewelry, and other valuable items from their https://ecosoberhouse.com/article/total-alcohol-abstinence-vs-moderation/ elderly parent’s home. However, they may suddenly feel guilty and decide to change their ways.
- Some people will be easier than others to approach due to the relationship you have with them, how close you live to them, or other factors.
- Regardless if they can or can’t apologize directly, they choose to walk the walk and make better choices.
- One of the greatest regrets some people endure is not apologizing to a loved one for past wrongs before they die.
- Many of us find it helpful to reflect on our amends after making each one.
Making amends is ill-advised if it involves confessing to actions the other party is unaware of, as this can lead to unnecessary pain. living amends Sometimes, symbolic amends are made when direct contact with the person harmed is not feasible or could cause further damage. A well-thought-out strategy and readiness can make the amends process more effective and meaningful. Thorough preparation ensures your actions align with your intentions and positively contribute to your recovery journey and the relationships you are trying to mend. To make direct amends, it is important we are willing to make amends to the person face-to-face, no matter what happens, and respond in love and tolerance to anything they say. These interactions foster sincerity and openness, essential for the healing process.
When planning, start with the people closest to you and create a communication strategy. Be mindful of the potential for harm when reaching out and prepare for any difficult reactions. This preparation helps manage expectations and ensures a clear and compassionate mindset in approaching the process. Making amends allows us to correct mistakes and show that we are not defined by your disease. This distinction helps us grow a healthier self-image, reliance upon our Higher Power, and promotes lasting recovery. Don’t forget, when you really work this step painstakingly and make amends, the 9th step promises begin to come true and you will be amazed before you are halfway through.
